Monday, February 22, 2010

Random funny and clever quotes.....

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.
Farrah Fawcett

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.
Tyler Durden
from the movie Fight Club (1999)

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day.
Jay Mohr

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carey

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
Marilyn Monroe

What did one saggy boob say to the other one. -If we keep hanging out like this people will think we are nuts!

Modern-day evolution -- take the safety labels off everything and watch the stupid people become extinct.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
Jonathon Carroll

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Yane

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Don't lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
Oprah Winfrey

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
George Carlin

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

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