God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.
from the movie Fight Club (1999)
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
What did one saggy boob say to the other one. -If we keep hanging out like this people will think we are nuts!
Modern-day evolution -- take the safety labels off everything and watch the stupid people become extinct.
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Don't lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.