Random funny and clever quotes.....

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.
Farrah Fawcett

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.
Tyler Durden
from the movie Fight Club (1999)

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day.
Jay Mohr

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carey

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
Marilyn Monroe

What did one saggy boob say to the other one. -If we keep hanging out like this people will think we are nuts!

Modern-day evolution -- take the safety labels off everything and watch the stupid people become extinct.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
Jonathon Carroll

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Yane

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Anonymous

Don't lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.
Anonymous

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
Oprah Winfrey

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
George Carlin

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

You have GOT to be Kidding me!

What the hell is happening to the fashion industry!? First, in January I see the return of leg warmers at Walgreen's....then, today shopping with my mother at JC Penny, what do I see? The hideous display of acid washed jeans and jackets that I tried to erase from my memory from back in the 80's! Give me a break....I am willing to accept that leggings are back, however I won't wear them...but this? Gross.

Jade is 9 months old!

My silly girl Jade is now 9 months old

*Jade now weighs approximately 67 pounds*

Valentine's Day

I had a perfect Valentine's Day weekend. Ryan came out the eve of Valentine's Day to come with me to Dan's Bar in Walnut Creek to see the band, "The Bad Beat" play. A couple of high school friends are part of the band and I wanted to see them play for the first time.

When Ryan arrived at my house, he surprised me with a card, box of chocolates and a bottle of champagne (my favorite). I hadn't expected anything since he mentioned he wasn't really into the holiday and we've been dating for about a month and a half.

When we arrived at Dan's, we got a couple of beers and played two games of pool, which was fun despite the fact that I play pretty lousy. We listened to the band play; they played cover songs from various time periods. I must say, they play very well and I liked all the song choices.

We slept in late and then had a late brunch at Mimi's Cafe for Valentine's Day. Ryan left in the late afternoon to take care of things before he had to go back to work tomorrow. Sadly, he couldn't join the dogs and me on a hike like we usually do. I'm so grateful for the time we did have, it was the best Valentine's Day I've had in a long time. Ryan is such a wonderful guy and treats me so well. I'm so grateful to have found a nice man who puts forth such an effort. *fingers crossed* for many more months of fun together.

My Valentines

One thing I did for Valentine's Day was spend the afternoon with my two furry Valentines, Timber and Jade. I took them on a late afternoon hike to Contra Loma where all the cows were out and about eating and competing for lady friends. (The males were fighting and talking up a storm while we were hiking, getting ready for mating season I gather, but I like to think that they were competing for a female for Valentine's Day lol)

The hike was perfect. Warm sun, cool breeze and fresh air. The dogs had a blast checking out the other dogs and their owners as well as the cows. It never fails, they always find a nasty puddle to get into and end up stinking like a pile of manure! They sure stunk up the Pilot on the way home and got the hose in the back yard as soon as we got home....I was pretty dirty too...and my shoes got the hose as well...these hiking boots I got are awesome! They truly are waterproof! Not a drop of water seeped through despite the pressure washing I gave them when they were still on me feet. :-)

Timber is 16 months old....

My beautiful boy, Timber.

*Holding steady at 70 pounds*

I can be a leader...can't I?

Okay, I know that there are some people out there reading this....so why is it only one person has put forth the effort to "follow me"? Come on people...show a little love.....please. Dang, now you are making me beg! An all time low. Ha! Ha!